Parenting Without Screaming - Part 3
You, like me, want to change your parenting style from reactive to responsive without screaming so that you can have a great relationship with your children, but does that mean becoming a passive parent that allows your child to run you over? Definitely not!
So how do you provide effective discipline without screaming?
LESSON 3: Let the Consequences Do the Screaming
Children need and desire structure. Kids want parents to give in, but they also want us to stand firm to prove that we can be trusted. When our children challenge us it’s not a battle, they are testing us to see if we can be trusted.
Instead, we need to teach our children that all choices have consequences. That’s life. Every choice we make, or our child makes, has a consequence—good or bad. We need to let them learn to take responsibility for their actions at an early age. Let the consequences do the screaming for you! And even though it won’t be easy, we need to let them suffer through the bad consequences without bailing them out. The more children are exposed to small consequences of small missteps, the less likely they will commit big infractions. You don’t want the first time they make their own decisions to be when they are 18 because the consequences for bad choices are way more severe.
We need to make sure we communicate effectively with our children about our expectations and the consequences for not meeting those expectations. And then follow through. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. I often struggle with giving my children extra chances to meet the expectation I asked of them; however, that teaches them that I’m not being consistent with what I say and that I don’t have firm boundaries. I get frustrated and reactive when they test my boundaries, but that’s not fair to them since I was the one that wasn’t following through on the consequences I put in place. So, this is something I’ve been working to correct.
There is no shortcut for setting or enforcing consequences. It’s time consuming, exhausting, and requires you to be present. So we need to choose consequences we are willing to enforce (time out for 5 minutes, miss out on dessert, special toy gets put in time out for day, etc.). And choose consequences you are willing to endure—don’t cave in. Don’t set a consequence that is tougher for you to enforce than for them to endure (no legos for a month). Also, don’t set impossible consequences or say exaggerated statements like “you will never play in the backyard again.”
However, our children are going to make mistakes. They might still face the consequence of their mistake, but we have to choose what kind of parent we want to be in that situation. Do we want to be:
A. Over them saying, “I told you so!”
B. Rescue them from any consequence so they never experience disappointment
C. Face it alongside them helping them learn how to navigate
I’m sure you chose C. So when our children make mistakes use it as a teaching opportunity to correct their behavior in a loving and supportive manner. Be their cheerleader as they learn that their actions have consequences.
