Teaching Your Child to Fail
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Failure. It's a word we often fear, avoid, or try to protect our children from. But what if I told you that failure isn’t something to avoid, but something to embrace? What if the key to raising resilient, confident, and successful kids is teaching them how to fail? Yes, you read that right: teaching your child to fail.
As a mom, I know it can be hard to watch our little ones struggle, whether it’s not making the team, not understanding a homework assignment, or falling short of a goal. Our natural instinct is to rush in, fix it, and prevent them from feeling any hurt or disappointment. But in doing so, we might actually be doing them a disservice. Instead, what our kids need most is to learn how to fail—and how to bounce back stronger.
Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset: The Foundation of Learning
First, let’s talk about mindset. There are two main types of mindsets: growth and fixed. A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication, effort, and learning from mistakes. Carol Dweck does a great job talking about growth mindset in her book. A fixed mindset, on the other hand, is the belief that intelligence and abilities are static, that you’re either “good at something” or “bad at it,” and there’s not much room for improvement.
If you want your child to embrace failure and learn from it, cultivating a growth mindset is essential. When kids understand that their brains are like muscles that can grow and improve with effort, they’re more likely to view failure not as a dead end but as a stepping stone to success.
Ways To Teach Your Child that failing is essential to growth:
Let Them See You Fail (And How You Handle It) - One of the best ways to teach your child how to fail is to show them that you, too, are human. Let them see you fail—yes, you! Whether it’s cooking a new recipe that flops (this has happened quite a few times in my home), missing a work deadline, or trying a new hobby and not getting it perfect, your kids need to see that failure is a part of life. But it’s not the failure that’s important—it’s how you react to it.
When you fail, model how to adjust, improve, and keep going. This teaches your child that failure isn’t the end of the road but an opportunity for growth. You can say things like, “Well, that didn’t go as planned, but I’m going to try again, and next time I’ll do better!” By showing resilience in the face of failure, you give your child the tools to handle disappointment with grace and determination.
Be the Example: Walk the Talk - As parents, we can’t expect our children to handle failure well if we don’t do so ourselves. Be the example. If you find yourself frustrated with a mistake or setback, take a deep breath and pause. Use the moment as an opportunity to show your child how to troubleshoot and problem solve. Instead of giving up or getting upset, show them how you analyze what went wrong and what you’ll do differently next time.
Modeling a healthy emotional response to failure is key. Teach your children that it’s okay to feel disappointed or frustrated—those feelings are normal. But the key is in how we choose to respond. And trust me, your kids are watching, soaking in every bit of how you handle life’s challenges.
Don’t Helicopter—Let Them Fail - We all want to protect our kids from pain, disappointment, and struggle. But when we try to shield them from failure, we’re actually limiting their growth. Helicopter parenting (guilty, as charged)—hovering over our kids and trying to control every aspect of their lives—may feel protective, but it prevents them from learning how to handle challenges on their own.
Allowing your children to fail in a safe and supportive environment teaches them critical life skills: resilience, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. When kids aren’t allowed to fail, it can increase anxiety and decrease their chances of trying new things. So, let go of the reins a little bit. Let them struggle, let them fail, and then help them work through it.
Encourage Improvement, Not Perfection - Instead of focusing on success as the end goal, encourage your child to focus on the process of improving. If they’re struggling with something—whether it’s a sport, a subject in school, or a hobby—help them set small goals that allow for incremental improvement. Celebrate effort and perseverance over innate talent or perfection.
One of the best ways to encourage this is to ask them about something they’ve failed at—we’ve included this in our gratitude time at dinner every now and then. I know, it sounds a little uncomfortable, but hear me out! Ask them about something they tried and didn’t succeed in, and talk about what they learned from it. Validate their feelings of frustration or disappointment, but help them shift their focus to what they can do better next time.
Normalize Failure: Everyone Fails - We live in a world that’s obsessed with success, and sometimes it feels like everyone else has it all together. But guess what? No one does! Everyone fails at some point in their live. Thomas Edison failed countless times before creating a working lightbulb. Everyone has stumbled, fallen, and made mistakes. What matters is what you do after you fail.
By normalizing failure in your home, you’re teaching your child that it’s okay to mess up. In fact, it’s part of the process! This takes the shame out of failure and creates an environment where learning and growth are valued more than perfection.
Teach Emotional Resilience: How to Respond to Failure - Failure doesn’t just challenge our abilities—it challenges our emotions. When kids fail, they may experience frustration, disappointment, or even shame. Teaching them how to manage those emotions is a vital part of the process.
A great tool to introduce is the concept of “FAIL”—First Attempt In Learning. When they fail, remind them that it’s just their first attempt at learning something new. Encourage them to feel their emotions but to also reflect on what they can learn from the experience. The more they practice emotional resilience, the easier it becomes to face challenges with a positive, growth-oriented mindset.
In the end, failure is not the opposite of success—it’s a crucial part of it. By teaching your child how to fail gracefully, you’re setting them up for success, not just academically or athletically, but in every aspect of life. So, embrace the mess, the mistakes, and the setbacks. Show your kids that they can be proud of their efforts, no matter the outcome. And remember, failure isn’t something to fear—it’s the first step in learning. Here’s to raising kids who are brave enough to fail, wise enough to learn from it, and strong enough to keep going!
