How to Get Your Child to Listen - Wired Differently

Imagine you are in your home caught up in a really interesting activity, but all of a sudden a neighbor walks in unannounced, talking very loudly, holding your hand, their face very close to your face, asking you for a sandwich. Pretty intense, right?! That would catch you off-guard, make you feel uncomfortable, and I’m sure you would do whatever you could to get out of that situation. This scenario is how an autistic child might feel in normal situations—uncomfortable, caught off-guard, wanting to escape.

Over the past couple of weeks we have been talking about “how to get your child to listen,” but what happens if your child is wired differently? Are they still able to be a good listener? Of course, but maybe with a few tweaks on our end that helps us connect with the child better. Actually, some of these tools that help autistic kids could be beneficial for other children, as well.

Tools for Kids that are Wired Differently

1.       Join Them in Their World. Don’t interrupt their playing to ask them to play a game or pretend with you. Instead, ask to join them in what they are doing. You will discover their interests and be let into their world.

2.       Imagine What Your Child is Experiencing. This is beneficial for any child. When a child is being difficult we tend to focus on what we want them to do and how to get them to do it. We don’t usually focus on how they are feeling. Let’s put ourselves in our children’s shoes and acknowledge that feeling they are having. (HERE are ways to acknowledge feelings)

3.       Put into Words What the Child Wants to Say. It’s hard for little kids learning to speak to communicate. Expand on what you hear and understand what they are saying to you. For instance, if you hear them say, “No go” as you are packing up your bag to head off to work ask the child, “You don’t want me to go? You’ll miss me?” It’s not always this easy, but it helps your child see that you are trying just as hard as they are trying.

4.       Adjust Your Expectations. Again, this is a reality for any parent no matter how a child is wired. Just because a child was able to cooperate (HERE are ways to cooperate) yesterday, does not mean that they are in the mood or remember how to cooperate today. Practicing these new skills will help it to become more consistent.

Children that are wired differently might not be developmentally ready to meet some of our expectations like, responding to questions quickly, sitting quietly, or following multi-step instructions. So we have to adjust our expectations to help them until they learn these skills. So, if your child needs time to process your question then you might need to make sure they are looking at you when you ask the question, have them repeat the question back to you, and then silently count to 30 while they prepare their answer.

5.       Use Alternatives to Spoken Words. It’s always a fun way to help a child listen when you present the task in a different form other than words. Songs are very memorable. Notes, gestures, or even pictures are another good way to convey the message.

6.       Tell Them What They Can Do Instead of What They Can’t Do. Another good tool for any young child. It’s hard for children to process things they are not supposed to do or can’t do and figure out what you want them to do instead (don’t wake the baby, don’t jump on the bed, don’t eat candy for breakfast, don’t hit your brother, etc.). Instead it’s easier to process what you want them to do from the get go (use a whisper voice so the baby doesn’t wake up, we sit on the bed, let’s choose a healthy breakfast like eggs instead of candy, tell your brother why you are mad instead of hitting, etc.).

7.       Be playful. This is a good way to get any child to cooperate—CLICK HERE to read more. Being playful helps build connections between you and your child, which can lead to more cooperation.

Some children are wired differently than others. That’s not a bad thing. Some children develop differently, interact differently, react differently, or process differently. These differences are what make each child special. However, you are still able to connect with your child to achieve listening and cooperation. You might just have to adjust your expectations of your child, tweak how you convey the message, or be more playful.

Next week we will talk about what to do when you have tried all of the tools, but listening is still not happening!