Raising Resilient Kids

Resilience has been a hot topic on many of the podcasts I’ve been on, especially when it comes to teaching kids how to be resilient. Parents want to know how to teach their children to face challenges head on, recover from difficult moments, and not be fearful of the future.

Why are kids struggling with resilience these days?

Didn’t we manage to build up resiliency as kids? Or did we fail, and want better for our kids?

Image from canva.com

I think the problem is our. . .I’m including myself in the “our”. . .parenting. Going back to what we talked about last week, we have become too overprotective in the real world. We shelter our kids from “tough” things like sharp scissors, high playgrounds, not being liked, getting in trouble in class, and the list goes on. We think we are doing the right thing by protecting them from the pain and hurt. We are the parent—our job is to protect our children. But maybe we are doing too much coddling and not enough exposing.

As I think back to my childhood, I was exposed to so many “tough” things that I have sheltered my own children from because that’s just not “safe.” Things like: walking the neighborhood without a grownup in tow, climbing trees, staying home alone as a 9 year old, being told to make a friend without a parent-led playdate, using a knife to cut my own meat, jumping on the trampoline without a net, waiting at the bus stop alone, riding my bike to an ice cream shop with a friend, cooking without supervision, and trick or treating with my siblings. All of these things seem so harmless as a child, but as a parent they feel terrifying to let your child be doing these things on their own. I’m sure my parents questioned whether it was a good idea to let me do some of these things. . .or maybe they didn’t. . .maybe they knew these things were needed so that one day I could face tougher challenges without fear and anxiety. :)

I hope that my children don’t face challenges and struggles, but the reality is that they will. And I’m learning that it’s better to teach them how to manage small challenges now so that when big difficulties come along later in life they can stand up to it and have the skills in place to recover. So, I’m trying to not be the helicopter mom I’ve been known to be. I’m allowing them to face “tough” situations.

Ideas for Building Resilience:

1. Let them go get the mail - Our mail is not at the end of the driveway, it’s in a central location in our neighborhood, out of my line of sight. This is a difficult one for my not to be overprotective about, but as long as my kids go together then I let them walk to the mailbox without a grownup to get the mail (as I sit at home and count the seconds until they are home).

2. Not bail them out - This is another challenge for me (you might notice a theme—it’s a me problem, not a them problem). There were a couple of days this past school year when my oldest didn’t read all of the directions and got points off his work, or forgot to do an assignment, or flat out refused to do his work. Overprotective Autumn wanted to email the teacher and explain what happened because she feels like these decisions reflect poorly on her parenting, but Learning Autumn let her son explain his decisions to his teacher. Again, the consequences (whether good or bad) are much smaller now than when he gets older.

3. Let them solve their own problems - Sometimes it’s just easier to solve the problem for our kids—especially when it’s an argument—but does that really help them or just us? This is something that will need guidance, but teach them the skills to be able to solve their own problems. Ask them to talk you through the problem, ask them their feelings, ask them ideas for solutions, and you just listen. eventually you’ll be able to say, “You know I think this is a problem you can solve by yourself.”

4. Teach them to be grateful - Practicing gratitude is a skill I didn’t learn until I was an adult. It has helped me face and heal from many hard and difficult situations in my adult life, so I want to give my children a head start on learning how to count their blessings. Each night at dinner, we go around the table and say one thing we are thankful for. Sometimes they say very broad things like “plants,” and other times they say narrow things like “mom made my lunch today.”

Teaching our kids to be resilient isn’t easy, but what part of parenting is easy? It’s hard to let our kids be exposed to tough things. It’s hard not to want to step in and save them. But one day they will leave our home and be on their own, and we will be doing them a disservice if we don’t take the time now to prepare them for when they are on their own. We need to let them discover and learn from the small challenges now, so that they can conquer the big challenges on their own.