Parenting Without Screaming - Part 1
“GO CLEAN UP THE PLAYROOM!”
“IF YOU GET OUT OF BED ONE MORE TIME…”
“DON’T TELL ME NO!”
“YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING!”
I am embarrassed to say that I have shouted each one of the above exclamations at my children (probably more than once). Controlling my emotional outbursts with my children’s behavior has been and is still something I struggle with. I know many of you have emailed me to share your concerns about the same struggle. I read a book about this very challenge, called Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel, because like you, I want to grow and evolve from this behavior. Yelling at my children (even if only occasionally) is not me being my best mom.
Over the next couple of weeks I will share what I have learned from the book and from implementing these practices myself. I want to be my best mom, and I know you want to be your best mom, so let’s support one another on this journey to growing into our best mom!
LESSON 1: Control What You Can Control
With parenting comes a lot of anxiety. We don’t want to fail as parents. We are worried about what the future holds for our children. So to help ease our feelings of anxiousness we try to control our children—their behavior, feelings, and decisions.
This behavior gives us the mindset that we are responsible FOR our children; however, that’s not true. Yes, our children are dependent on us, but they have a mind of their own. They make their own choices (refusing to eat their veggies). They have their own feelings (weeping over not getting their favorite water bottle). If we were responsible for them, then we would have to figure out how to “program” them to make the right choices—our choices. This typically causes robot children that behave to reduce parents’ anxiety or rebellious children. (I don’t want either of those, do you?)
Instead, we are responsible TO our children. This mindset is all about looking inward to control what we can control—our own behavior and reactions. If we rely on the ability to control others (our children), then we will be destined for continued frustration and misery.
Our emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships, and we all want a great relationship with our children, right? So we need to focus on ourselves and work on calming our own emotions first. You can do this by taking a deep breath before speaking, counting to 10 before reacting, whispering instead of yelling, taking a step out of the room and coming back after you have a second to cool down, etc.
What ideas do you have for helping you control your emotions before you react to your children? Email me to share so I can pass along to other moms.
