Mother and Son Relationships - Understanding Boys

Catch up on our “Relationships” series:

My oldest son (10 years old) has always been a sweetheart! He’s a rule follower, helper, kind-hearted, and respectful. However, the past 6ish months it seems like an alien has possessed him because he has been the complete opposite of his “normal” self. He raises his voice, is confrontational, and does everything in his power to not follow directions.

This behavior really threw me for a loop because it was totally out of character for him. It was beginning to strain our relationship as mother and son, and that’s the last thing I wanted so I tried to find a book to help me understand my son. That’s when I discovered Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys. It’s written by 2 dads that are counselors who are raising 5 sons between their 2 families so I figured they might have some insight for me.

I’m so glad I found this book because it really helped me to understand the way, the mind, and the heart of a boy as they go from boyhood to manhood. Obviously, I’m a girl. However, I have three brothers. I typically got along better with guys than girls. I’m even raising two boys. I thought I had boys figured out. But come to find out, there was a lot I didn’t know or understand about boys for the simple reason because I am a girl. Being able to understand what my son is going through developmentally, mentally, and spiritually has helped me to understand how I can be there, as his mom, to support, encourage, or direct him.

Stages of Boyhood

My son really hurt because he didn’t understand why he was getting angry so often. Even though he didn’t verbalize it, I could tell he was starting to feel shame and guilt for these angry outbursts. Reading Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys helped me understand what his body was going through developmentally, mentally and emotionally, and I was able to explain it to him. We are learning to find ways to work through these prepubescent surges of testosterone that derail your emotions. But this knowledge helped him feel comfort knowing that this was a normal part of boyhood and nothing was wrong with him. (It was also a comfort to me that there was a reason for this change!)

I’d like to go through the different stages mentioned in Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys and share how you can support, encourage, or direct your son during this time.

The Explorer: This is typically ages 2-4 (but each boy is different and can go through the stages differently). He is full of energy, and always on the go. He tends to demonstrate love through wrestling, but he might still like to cuddle, hug, and kiss. His signs of aggression can signal that he is overstimulated, tired, or hungry. Explorers are naturally curious often asking the question, “Why?” You might also hear the phrase, “I can do it,” because boys at this stage are self-determined.

How to support The Explorer: An Explorer is not developmentally capable of self-regulating yet so he needs boundaries. Boundaries will help him feel safe and allow him to know what he can and cannot do. Just remember that those boundaries and expectations need to be realistic—it’s not realistic to ask a 2 year old boy to sit quietly for 30 minutes or even 10 minutes. He will thrive on structure and consistency. Since Explorers are active and aggressive, he needs space to do those things—setup areas inside and/or outside for him to run, kick, hit, climb, throw, etc. Be understanding. Understand that boys are different than girls. Boys at this stage need you to understand that he isn’t going to be able to sit still like a girl his same age or that he needs more direct communication than girls.

The Lover: (Ages 5-8) He tends to show many of the Explorer characteristics still, but becomes more tender and relational. He becomes more sensitive to others’ feelings and needs. He becomes more chatty with children and adults. His heightened emotional sensitivity might cause increased fear of the dark, loud noises, animals, or new people. He might show impatience, argue, or talk back, especially to mom. Lovers know right from wrong. Generally, a Lover wants to follow the rules to please his parents and teachers. At this stage, a Lover will begin to turn away from mom and become more attached to dad—they want to be just like daddy. Boys become competitive at this stage too.

How to support The Lover: Boys in this stage need mercy, routine, and consistency. He is typically starting school at this stage and is required to sit still for long periods of the day, which is very difficult for him since he is still so active. So, give him a chance to get a snack, play outside, and unwind before completing homework or chores once he gets home from school. Allow him to have his alone space where siblings can’t touch his belongings. During the Lover stage he might prefer dolls over rough-housing, and that’s ok. He craves relationships, especially with his dad, so set up one-on-one dates and have dinner as a family. It is a good idea to name a Lover’s unwanted behavior without belittling him. For example, “Jimmy you took a cookie when I said not to. That is deceitful.” You can provide a hug if needed and proceed with the natural consequence (“You ate a cookie now, so you can not have one after dinner.”). It is appropriate to expect a boy at this age to follow a direction after given 2 times. Explain when competition is ok and when it isn’t.

The Individual: (Ages 9-12) During this stage boys are beginning to change from boyhood to adolescence which can lead to confusion. Emotionally, he is a wreck—sadness, hurt, fear, and loneliness are all expressed as anger. Individuals might spend more alone time in his room. The relationship with parents can be strained, withdrawing from mom more and more. He is trying to figure out how he fits into the world. An Individual’s brain and body are experiencing major shifts, and he is seeking how to become a man. On the outside Individuals may seem boyish, but on the inside (hormonally, emotionally, and psychologically) he feels like an alien. He is trying to make his mark on the world and break apart from his parents, so he will experiment with breaking the rules. Individuals can become critical of themselves and others, often thinking adults are against them.

How to support The Individual: When the Individual pulls away from you at this stage, it’s really a test to see if you can handle him and his changes. If you remain consistent with your healthy boundaries, he will feel safe. He wants accurate and straight forward information—provide him with age-appropriate truths (Ex. what is happening to his body but not the full birds and bees talk yet). This applies to changes that are taking place in his body (physical and emotional), schoolwork, and athletics abilities. Even though he may interact with friends more, he still needs strong parent involvement and supervision. So, reach out to his friends’ parents to make sure they have the same rules and values you have in your home. The Individual needs outlets to test out his developing identity. This includes sports, clubs, church events, school events, and family time. It’s also a good idea to increase his chores and responsibilities to help him develop a sense of self.

The Wanderer: (Ages 13-17) This is when your boy is at his worst. He is constantly wavering between, “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” He is in physiological chaos with the surges of hormones taking place in his body. Testosterone at this stage can cause boys to be fidgety and impulsive. The attitude that seeps off a Wanderer is unreal. They appear confident and cocky, but are often confused and fearful. They want adults to be interested in their lives, but act put out when asked questions about their life. He will try out new identities (from friends, family, culture, church members) to try to figure out who he is. Peers have become the primary influence. A Wanderer often create an imaginary audience that he believes is critiquing his every move (what he wears, who he’s hanging out with, etc.). He is trying to separate from his parents, and this is often done through arguing. This is when he will likely begin to masturbate.

How to support The Wanderer: During this stage he needs respected adults (teachers, youth pastors, coaches, grandfather, or uncle) who care for him, other than his parents, to mentor him. He needs places where he can release the intense energy that comes from the hormonal surges, but not necessarily competitive sports because that can just add fuel to the fire when he has testosterone surges. He needs activities like working out, wood working, music, clubs, rock climbing, fishing, biking, etc. A Wanderer needs for adults to be understanding and act like adults. He needs love, respect, kindness, forgiveness, and mercy. Take an interest in the things he likes—even if it is stupid. A Wanderer will fell safest when boundaries are in place, no matter how much he fights them. Educate yourself on the pornography epidemic, talk to him about the dangers of pornography, and have significant conversations with your son about sexual development—this is really directed at fathers.

The Warrior: (Ages 18-22) This is the launching out stage. He has come to grips with the changes in his body. He is more reasonable and focused on goals. He wants to be a man. He is searching for his next steps. He’s looking for a respectable mentor that is not his parents. He’s also searching for a mate. He might be grieving leaving home, but also really excited about what’s to come.

How to support The Warrior: He needs a training ground to test out his new way in the world. He needs something like college, trade school, or military. He needs the freedom to leave us. The Warrior needs us to let go—let him be responsible for his grades, his bills, his cooking and cleaning, his car maintenance. He needs to feel that we believe in him; he needs our approval that we celebrate this stage of life with him. He needs to know that he can make mistakes and still come back.

I’m not sure why, but for some reason I thought baby and toddler years were going to be the tough years. However, I’m learning that as boys get older it only gets harder and harder until it doesn’t. It’s not all hard or bad. There have been some very sweet moments, some insightful conversations, and lots of laughs with my boys as they have started to get older. I’m not super pumped about the tough years ahead, but it is good to understand what my boys will go through as they journey to manhood. It allows me to have empathy for them when they are struggling. I appreciate that I know how to support them so they can transition through each stage of boyhood to become the man they are meant to be. I also know that I will need to get a large stash of chocolate, be in constant prayer, and be willing to laugh when these tough years come!

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