How to Get Your Child to Listen - Resolving Conflicts
The past two weeks we have talked about how to acknowledge our child’s feelings and playful ways to achieve cooperation with the end goal of helping our child listen better. These are all well and good, but what happens when your child decides he doesn’t like your decision and marks up freshly painted walls; or they are not happy that you said “no” to them getting the toy that they MUST have so they throw a fit right in the middle of the store; or two children get in a wrestling match over a silly toy? (Yes, those are all personal examples.)
Do we just pretend they aren’t our children and look around for the “lost” parent to come take care of their child? Even though that sounds tempting, there are ways to help your child(ren) resolve conflicts in a respectful manner when our children are being…well, children.
Tools for Resolving Conflict
These tools aren’t necessarily easier, but they do teach children how to express their feelings, develop skills to problem-solve, and show that you sincerely care about their struggles. All of these things are so important in a young child’s development, so it’s worth giving it a shot.
1. Show Child How to Make Amends. Give your child the opportunity to make the wrong-doing right. This shows them that they aren’t a bad kid—that they can do good things. And hopefully by fixing the wrong-doing it will prevent them from making that mistake again.
You know how I mentioned the child that marked up my freshly painted walls above? Well (after I had time to calm myself down) I told him that hurting people or things was not acceptable to do and asked him if he would like the opportunity to fix the problem. He helped putty the dents and repaint the marks. When he was done, he said he was sorry and he would not do it again. He felt really good that he was able to make me happy again!
When your child takes a toy from a sibling, dumps their milk on the floor, digs up your newly planted flowers, or steals their brother’s goldfish crackers acknowledge their feelings, explain why that behavior (not the child) is not acceptable and ask them if they can fix the mistake.
2. Try Problem-Solving Together. (This needs to be done when child is not frustrated.) After your child has settled down, acknowledge their feelings from the situation so they know you understand. Describe the problem (keep it short). Take out paper and pencil and ask for ideas to solutions to write down. Go through the written ideas, cross out the unrealistic ones and circle the ideas that you both like. Decide on the best solution to try. Put it on the fridge as a reminder. Try the solution idea out. If it doesn’t work, then back to the drawing board.
Let’s say, big brother was building a really cool LEGO tower that he was so excited about, but then along comes little sister crawling across the floor. She has spotted the tower and tries to use it to pull up to stand. The LEGO tower comes crashing down. Big brother is mad and crying. He pushes little sister and now little sister is crying. You go over to console both victims. Once the tears have subsided, you say to big brother, “It makes you angry when your sister breaks your LEGO tower. The problem is, babies don’t know that LEGO towers can break so we can’t hurt others if that happens. Can you help me think of some ideas to keep sister from break your LEGO towers again?” Write down the ideas that you both come up with (even if it’s super crazy, write it down) and decide the best one to try.
3. Offer a Choice. When a toy or another object becomes the coveted item between siblings take the item away for the time being. Explain that since you don’t know who the item belongs to and they can’t agree then the item needs to take a break.
4. Take Time-Out Breaks. These aren’t the time-outs you are thinking of, they are just breaks to cool-off. Sometimes we, as adults, need cool-off breaks, so allow your child the same opportunity. Before conflict arises let them know that when they feel like they are getting too angry or upset that they might hurt something or someone they can take a cool-off break in their room if needed. It is not a time-out, it is just a time to help them settle down. They can take as long or short as they need.
5. Take Action without Insult. Sometimes our children will do something that jeopardizes their safety, safety of others, or property. In those unfortunate situations, we just have to take action and do what’s best for the safety of our child, but we can do it without insulting them.
You just arrive to the playground and your little girl is so excited to go slide on the slide. As soon as you get her out of the car, she runs across the parking lot towards the slide. She doesn’t look for cars or ask your permission. You quickly grab her up and explain that she must hold your hand or the stroller handle while crossing the parking lot to keep her safe. She refuses to do either and tries to make a run for the slide again. You then grab her up, place her back in her car seat and state, “We are going home. I’m too worried about your safety right now.” You gave her a second chance to “fix” her mistake, but she didn’t want to so you had to take action. You did it without criticizing her as a person too!
Conflicts will arise throughout parenting. It’s a given. Hopefully the above tools can help you teach your child how to begin to understand the big emotions they encounter and resolve the conflicts they come across.
