How to Discipline with Grace - Part 3

Want to catch up on our “How to Discipline with Grace” series?

So, you separate your child’s behavior from their heart, you have house rules established, and you know when to go to battle. But what do you bring to battle?

You bring love and corrective behavior. This is where you show your child how much you love them, and how much God loves them will be reflected in your words and actions. Remember to parent how God parents us.

“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son delights in.” Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV)

It is our job to correct our children out of love.

“Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.” Proverbs 10:17 (NIV)

Discipline is not punishment. Punishment is payback or it inflicts pain to satisfy justice. Discipline is redirection. It is used to redirect a person back to their boundaries. Discipline helps protect them from making future mistakes.

Seeing our kids hurt doesn’t feel good. It hurts our hearts when they miss out on something they have been dying to do. We have to make the effort now to impose these painful consequences to help them avoid bigger consequences and more pain when they are older.

However, we can’t just say “no” to our kids all the time. “No, don’t climb on the back of the couch.” “No, don’t throw the ball in the house.” “No, don’t hit your brother.” We need to teach what to do instead of doing these things. Kids can’t do nothing. They need to do something, so we have to teach them what to do in place of not doing the bad thing. What should your child do instead of climbing on the back of the couch? “We sit or lay on the couch.” What should he do instead of throwing the ball in the house? “We throw the ball outside or we roll the ball inside.” What should your child do instead of hitting his brother? “We use our hands for hugging.”

Once you have taught them what they can do, make sure you state what the consequence will be if they continue to partake in the misbehavior. Make sure it is a consequence you are willing to uphold because if they continue to do the action you don’t want them to do, you need to be able to follow through on the consequence. If you don’t, they will lose respect for you.

In order for a consequence to affect future behavior, kids need to pay in a currency they value. Toddlers value having things…having things right now. So, losing those tangible items as a consequence would be effective in making them rethink doing the same behavior. Preschoolers value doing things like play dates or going to the playground, but also still value tangible items. Children value relationships (friends). Canceling a friend coming over, grounding, and stalling an activity are good consequences for this age. Tweens value belonging. Grounding, repayment of damages, and removal of valued items or activities are all effective consequences for tweens. Teens value independence. Grounding, restricting curfews, no phone/car, or repayment of damages are consequences that would allow a teen to rethink their actions.

Some other types of grace-filled discipline…

Tag the Behavior-Call out the wrongdoing so children are aware that it is wrong. Label the behavior, not the child. (You told me a lie, not you are a liar.) Tagging the behavior is not done in shame or humiliation in front of other people, you can quietly pull the child to the side and make them aware of the misbehavior.
Pardon-The guilt they feel for the misbehavior might be consequence enough, but it’s still a good idea to tag the behavior so that they understand it is wrong. For example, they allow a friend to copy off their school assignment, but they feel awful about it and come clean to you.
Ignore-Ignore battles your child is trying to pick with you. It will only lead down to a road of misdemeanors or felonies. Stop that from happening before it happens.
Distract-Create diversions that steer your child away from unwanted behavior. For example, if your daughter comes to tattle that her brother wasn’t playing with them, ask your daughter to help you prepare dinner because you really need someone with strong muscles to stir.
Redirect-Turn your child towards a positive behavior. For instance, ask them to share a toy (instead of hogging them all).
Positive Reinforcement-Praise good behavior which encourages them to do it again.
Encourage-Find the strength to genuinely praise your child even during misbehavior. This shows them that your love is not based on their behavior.
Give Do-overs-Allow them the opportunity to do or say something in a different way.
Create an Environment for Success-Don’t set them up for failure. Don’t put a 2-year-old in a room of breakables and not expect him to break something. Provide them a safe place to share the truth if you know the facts of the truth.
Shift Expectations-Rethink the rules you have in place.

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