Mother and Son Relationships
For the past couple of weeks, we have talked about how to discipline with grace. You can catch up here:
Image from Freepik.com
As my oldest son has gotten older, I’ve noticed that our relationship has changed. He’s no longer my little boy that wants to curl up on the couch with me and read (he still does every now and then though), instead he’s striving for independence. He’s trying to discover his freedom. This road to independence has come with it’s ups and downs. I love that he fixes his own breakfast in the morning. I love that he can be responsible for a majority of his schoolwork. I love that he can make choices. However, I’m not a fan of the respect that our relationship has suffered.
As I was searching for books to read about discipline, I came across another book about mother and son relationships. I decided to give it a read to see if there was any useful information for our relationship. There was some good information that I will share below, but I wouldn’t recommend the book to read—the organization of the book made it a very confusing read.
I’m not sure if you have read Love and Respect, but in this book, it talks about how men desire respect over love. It’s the same for our sons. This was like a “duh” moment for me. Our sons are little men, so it only makes sense that they desire respect just like our husbands do.
In Ephesians 5:33, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband,” God commands husbands to love their wives because this is an unnatural tendency. Women respond to love—we want love. He must practice and be intentional to show love. It’s the same for boys. They must practice showing love because it’s not how God created them to function.
Likewise, God commands women to show respect because this is not a natural tendency. Love is—God designed women to agape love. But our sons respond better to respect, so we must practice showing respect to them.
When we fail to show our sons respect through our communication, looks, or tones then our sons tend to not show us love and without love, we continue the cycle of not showing respect. It’s vicious!
So, how do we show our sons respect?
Choose words carefully. Don’t smother him with too many “I love yous,” but instead say “I’m proud of you, I respect that you…, “I like the way you thought about the problem and solved it.”
And when we face difficult moments with our son, remain respectful—respect his heart but not his wrongdoing. You can use phrases like, “I’m not trying to disrespect you…, I respect you, but I do not respect what you did., I feel hurt when…”
Check our tone and facial expression. Often times our words can be respectful, but the way we say it or the look on our faces says another story. So just be sure words, tone, and face all match.
Quality time. Even if it’s something we don’t enjoy, your son will respect and notice that you took the time to participate in something he enjoys. Do activities shoulder to shoulder with your son instead of face to face. This is less intimidating and they tend to open up more when they don’t feel like they are being interrogated.
I experimented with this point on my son. We were having a mommy and son date. We went to the park to play board games and to a restaurant. Both times I sat down first and asked him where he wanted to sit. Both times he decided to sit beside me (shoulder to shoulder) instead of across from me. Crazy!
Listen to them. God designed boys (and men) to be problem solvers. Allow them the chance to provide insight to a problem. Put everything away and be attentive as they share their advice. Even if you already have a solution or know the answer just pretend that they provided you with new, helpful information.
Giving gifts. Make sure when you are giving a gift to your son, it is something he is interested in instead of something we want him to have an interest in. Both of my boys hate receiving clothes as a gift. Unfortunately, they have made everyone aware of that fact. But it has helped me and other gift-givers be able to respect their interests through our gifts.
I’m still learning how to navigate a more respectful-based versus a love-based relationship with my oldest son, but I wanted to share some insight I had discovered for those of you that might be in the same boat. I have seen a change in our relationship—for the better. I’m still practicing showing him respect since my tendency as a woman and mom to show my children love, but I’m hopeful.
