How to Discipline with Grace - Part 1
I’m not sure if it was summertime, aged-based, or personality-based, but my 8-year-old and 5-year-old and I have been butting heads lately. It’s been a cycle of not listening or disrespectful tones (from both sides). At first, I blamed them for their poor behavior…I mean it had to be all them right?! But then I put on my big girl panties and remembered I was the parent so I needed to figure out how to fix our relationship. I didn’t want our relationships to suffer, so I knew I needed to do something different. I prayed…a lot. And I read a couple of books, one was called Grace Based Discipline (excellent book—go read it!).
Separate Behavior From Heart
Reading this book reminded me that we are children of God. God shows us grace daily, and even hourly. God doesn’t judge us based on our behavior. He loves us right where we are. He loves us when we fail, when we burn dinner, when we tell a white lie, when we forget to shower, or when we sneak in a dessert before dinner. God looks at our hearts. He looks at the person He created—the kind, selfless, gentle, caring, beautiful person He created and He loves us. God offers us an abundance of grace (forgiveness) when we mess up. However, this grace doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences for our poor behavior. God loves us right where we are, but loves us too much to leave us where we are in our wrongdoing. He wants to help us correct our behavior so that we can go on living a happy and fulfilling life glorifying to Him.
This is how we need to see our children! Our parenting to our children should be a reflection of God’s parenting of us!
A whole lot easier said than done.
When you’re down in the trenches and your child has smarted off at you for the 17th time that day, it’s hard not to react emotionally to that behavior. It’s hard to not label them as a disrespectful child. It’s hard to remember that they have a good heart. So, Karis, the author of Grace Based Discipline, offers a solution to help us separate heart from behavior. She suggests that when a behavior bothers you (Ex. not listening, disrespectful tone, defiance, etc.) that you take that behavior and mentally put it in a basket and put the top on the basket in your brain. Walk that behavior basket to another room, outside, or another world if you need to, and set it on the shelf. Leave it there. Come back to your child and see their heart.
I like Karis’s suggestion, but something else I have found helpful is each morning during my quiet time/gratitude time I write down one thing I love about each of my children to help remind me of their good hearts. Throughout the day, as there are mishaps, I recall what I wrote down that morning to help me separate behavior from heart. This new plan has helped me to realize that their behavior is not a reflection of their heart. Their behavior is based on lack of sleep, being hungry, testing boundaries, frustration, etc. It helps me to better understand how to respond and correct the behavior.
Again, this does not mean there are no consequences for misbehavior, but first, we must learn to see our children as God sees our children. Next week, we will talk about behaviors—and when to go to battle.
